I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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