Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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