You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
