How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize