Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
