You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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