I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
