Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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