Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize