So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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