My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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