Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
