i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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