I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
