My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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