he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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