good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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