I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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