Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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