So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
