the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
