Your dad touched me again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
