i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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