i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
