I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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