i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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