he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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