your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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