Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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