I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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