Got a toothbrush?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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