I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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