After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
