I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
