Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
