he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
