My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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