my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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