she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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