okay pat passed out under dana's car
it glows. i had to have it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
