the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize