she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
