then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize