yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
