she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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