What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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