you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize