turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
