wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
