Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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