I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
