I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize