when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
