So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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