I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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