Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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