Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
