I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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