What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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