Your mouth is God's brothel.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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