forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
