I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
