I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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