First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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