How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
