dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
