she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize